So my motorcycle broke down about 2 days ago.. So frustrating as this is my only way of transportation. Trying to stay positive, I told myself that it's fine. I'll just take the time and fix it, can't be that big of a deal. I start and everything is going great, things are flowing smoothly and its all good. It's just a matter of patience for things to work out. As I wait and hope that the things I fixed would be all that needed to be fix, I come to find that there's more to be done. Instantly I become frustrated, two days work for nothing. I feel like I hadn't gone anywhere. With frustration and anger I tell myself that I need to just sleep it off and see what I can do in the morning. As I laid in bed, thoughts began to build up in my head, all the times that I failed at anything that I put any effort in.
All these thoughts of doubt and insecurity began to fill my mind. Sadness, frustration, and anger began to overcome me like never before. I couldn't think of a
single positive thought and you know what? I didn't like this. So I did what I knew to do best, pray.
I got on my knees and asked God to bring me peace and comfort, that I know at times I am selfish but is it too much for me to ask for things to work out for once in my life? As I lay back in bed all the memories of the times that things fell apart, all the times that I failed came back to me. Anything I put my whole heart, time and devotion into never worked out for me. Wether it was fixing my bike, girls, lacrosse, dance, anything. I swear that the second I devoted my life to something, it fell apart. Things would start to go wrong one after another, and this really made me think, really made me begin to question things. Was I setting my heart on the things that I should? Was I devoting my life to God or to the world? Then it made me realize I was not sent to this Earth to merely have a good time or to satisfy urges, passions or desires. I was not sent to have "fun". I was sent to Earth to begin as a human infant and to grow to unbelievable proportions in wisdom, judgement, knowledge and power. I think its so funny that our society is so wrapped around being in comfort, in having life made easy, staying in our comfort zone. But that's not what life is about its about having faith and taking those risks knowing that things will turn out for the better. That no matter how hard things get and how uncomfortable we maybe feel we will keep pushing its about make our life worth it. Now the only problem is we usually become selfish and push out the savior and we begin to live a selfish life so that we may satisfy urges, passions or desires. It dawned on me that I needed to be living a life that was worth the life of the living savior. That is worth the death and suffering of a selfless, loving and perfect being. I began to ask how, began to think of habits that I could change, habits that I could create in order to live my life in such a matter. Which brought me to my next conclusion. Only out of our comfort zone do we have life changing experiences. Sometimes i think to myself how many people have been left out, how many have not had the opportunity to feel loved? To feel important, how many have been waiting for me in times of need, but yet I have robbed them of their blessings because of my selfishness... Its funny because these last few weeks, I've had a lot of time alone and a lot of time to think things out and looking back I see so many instances where I put myself first and didn't help other or I saw the times when I put the needs of others before mine and mine own needs were met with a greater capacity then I would have been able to manage on my own. Sometimes I have the habit to turn back into old habits because it feels safe, its what I know best. The future is scary but we can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes it's tempting but it's a mistake. Life is meant to be lived with faith, hope and certainty that things will work out for the better. If we knew exactly how its going to be where would the growth be?
Ships are safe in the harbor but that's now what ships are for.
I'm safe keeping the gospel to myself, I'm safe not loving people whole heartedly, I'm safe keeping to myself, I'm safe making sure that for these couple of months I prepare by myself and not help those around us. But I came to the Earth to love others, to help those around me, to put their needs before mine. A lot of times we ask ourselves why things are happening but something that I learned is that we will understand the why when we are in service. When we begin to become selfless and charitable towards all those around us then we start to put Christ before ourselves then we see the big picture and understand why.