Sundays hit me like a ton of bricks.. every week. ha Guess since I don't really do much but ponder and do church stuff it gives me a lot of time to think. Well this post is gonna be all over the place. We'll start off with this song i heard playing through out my house and one line that hit me was.
What did he die for, when he died for me
this was stuck with me all through church. Am i living how i should be? Am i making myself worth something, not to the world but to my savior. Is he proud of me? Most Humbling moment of my life. Took a second to look and i know the things that i need to do, to make myself a better person, to be who he wants me to be, to be just like him..
Why is sacrifice so important??
I think in order to become who we want to be, in order to be great in life, to be great in eternity, to accomplish mostly anything, sacrifice is NECESSARY. Wether you like it or not, in order to get things done you need to sacrifice, sometimes the sacrifice maybe small but sometimes its not, its a huge sacrifice
that you think is impossible. Im glad that i've had to sacrifice so much of my life at such a young age.
Dare to be a Mormon;
Dare to stand alone.
Dare to have a purpose firm,
And dare to make it known.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Well this is going to be a really long post.. so much has been on my mind. So i'm going to get off on a lot of tangents. Today, easily one of the most influential days of my life. We'll start with waking up, had a really weird dream. It was about 6 years later into the future friends are getting married left and right. pretty much the whole world was moving in fast forward speed around me.. Everyone making all these choices as i just sat there and analyzed everything that was happening. Only to wake up at 6 in the morning to find that it was all a dream. ummm.. 4 hours till i have to get ready for church i decide to start righting in my journal. Choices, Change, Challenges. Words that have been roaming my head ever since i graduated. Umm my 18th birthday is coming up.. haaa im such a little boy, but i dunno its time for me grow up.. i love being a kid, i love messing around.. People keep telling me, enjoy it while it last.. and its true we need to enjoy it while it last, but we can't make it last too long, or else we will be stuck behind, there's a time that we need to grow up and find a new way to make things work. Find new ways to have fun. Everyday, we make choices. hundreds and hundreds of choices. Waking up seeing my mom, i have the choice to say good morning and ask her how she slept and show her i care about her, or i can walk by and not build that relationship. Who am i gonna let myself become.. Every decision that i've made in my life that i can remember rushes my brain, i just sit there for about an hour, thinking about the things that i regret that i won't let happen again. but then those decisions that have made my life so great, that i am proud of, that i'm proud to say that those decisions have made me who i am today. Finally, getting ready for church once again, choices i know it sounds stupid but there they were, out of 5 white shirts which one am i gonna choose. haha i know you might say there is no difference but there is, after i pick my shirt, i choose a belt, then staring at my collection of somewhat around 78 ties last time i counted, i choose one of my new favorites. but choices, choices, my family leaves early to church i do have the choice to go to singles ward but what's better for me, i sit and think.. i'll go to my ward, i need a calling, i need something to give me responsibility. The last year i've had 4 callings in the church and now not a single one.. i know i miss them, as much as i hated getting ready and going to meetings a 8 in the morning till 5 on sundays i loved the spirit that i felt. I loved the chance that i had to help the people around me, knowing that i was a part of his great work and i'm so stoked to serve my mission. K well back on track, i arrive at church, sit down at our usual spot with my family.. Look up and there's the sacrament table. One kid is there, for the past two years i've been him, i know how he feels. I have the choice, go bless or don't. Thanks to the choices i've made lately, i'm worthy i decided to go up. He says thanks for coming up, its five minutes before church starts and we are the only two. Finally, the third priest comes up. I look at the people coming in, i see visitors. One of them is one of my old leaders, Glenn Curtis, memories flood my head, this happens alot when i see people, memories come back. I remember camp outs staying up late him telling us stories, telling us the choices not to make, the mistakes he's made and how great we can be. My eyes begin to tear up a little bit, i remember the testimony he had and the impact it had on me. His children who he told me many times that they looked up to me. How i hope that i can be just like him as i grow up. We make eye contact and we both just smile. Time goes, and two little girls in our ward got baptized they come up to be confirmed and receive the holy ghost. Remind me of when i first moved to America, moving into this ward 11 years ago. My dad baptizing me, giving me the gift of the holy ghost and confirming me a member. Remember the covenant that i made with the lord that day to represent him as best as i could. umm the time came, i kneel down to bless the sacrament, i still get a little nervous. i start the prayer, half way through the spirt hits me, and tears begin to run down my cheeks, i finish and stand up. Hand the deacons the sacrament and they go and do their duty. I sit down wipe the tears and it hits me soo hard everything that heavenly father has done for me. The love he has for me, to give me all these choices in life, to give me all the opportunities i have. To be able to represent him at the sacrament table, even though i look like a total punk with my hair and glasses. Its fast sunday so i go and sit down with my family, usually i put my head down and fall asleep but not today something whispers, write down what you've felt, and stay awake, please. Ummmm for a second i look around but it wasn't anyone. I take out my journal and begin to write, feelings, impressions, thoughts that have been going through my head.. Bro Tanner gets up and opens the testimony meeting and begins to share some experiences of the ward trek that is coming up. Once again, memories of the last trek i went to. I look for alan and tim in the crowd, i can guarantee you i knew what their thoughts were exactly at that moment. We all were wishing we could go one more time. Soon people begin to go up, just like every sunday i feel prompted to go but i never do. I sit there and take note of things people say, Time waits for no one, What else could you want in life, He's good at what he does don't doubt him. These are definitely going on my wall. Then brother Curtis gets up.. Tears began to fill his eyes, i feel that same spirit he does and again tears roll down my cheeks. He brings up, an old neighbor of mine naki Maile... that man had the biggest heart i know and he was a HUGE influence in my life. He passed away a few years ago, no one knows why he just didn't wake up. He had 5 girls all under 10 years of age. Again the tears became heavier, memories that i had with him. The happiness that i felt knowing that what he did was such a sacrifice but for some reason the lord needed hoping that i can give up everything for the lord like he did. Umm testimony after testimony just hit me soo hard. One of our young women got up and shared about how she was alone for a week with her dad because the rest of her family was out of town. She shared about the story of saving private ryan. How those men were willing to sacrifice their lives for our freedoms. How they knew that 2/3 of them were going to die. and it clicked in my head and hit me hard.. The lord knew everything that he was going to go through, he gave it all up for us. So that we could have our agency, so that we could return to him. So we could strive to be just like him. So that we could have the agency to make CHOICES. To be who we want to be. The lord allows us to be who we want to be but is it who we should be, a thought that crossed my mind at the moment. Next i went to sunday school, we talked about loving one another, how christ served everyone, I believe that thats when we are happiest, how it may not seem like it at the moment but i think that's what we will remember in the other life. The times we help others when they were down and the times other's helped us when we, ourselves, were down. Then going to elders quorum. We talked about service, and how at times we dont do what we should and why? i think we make excuses and it brings me back to Elder Robbins talk from last conference what manner of men and women ought ye to be. He talked about how shakespearre said to be or not to be. And how that was such a good question. How sometimes we live life like its a to do list and we have all these things but if we were to make a to be list we would never be able to check it off. What kind of man am i going to be what kind of friend am i going to be?? Again the choices placed before me of who i want to become. Later, i go home, go to my room, fall to my knees in tears. Prayed, had one of the best conversations of my life with my father in heaven. I'm so truly grateful for everything i have, for the friendships i've began to have, I've learned not to take things for granted, to enjoy everything i have. To know the choices i have a head of me. One of my favorite quotes, the lord does not work through doubts and fears but through calamity and peace.